winter anger 01.

i keep my mouth shut more often than not.
it’s a combination between me not thinking people deserve my words and not knowing exactly what words fit best.
instead of speaking, i sit quietly.. observing everyone’s mangled mayhem of a life.

i wish i was a musician.. i wish i didn’t give up playing guitar.. or stop plucking away at piano keys like i did as a kid.
maybe then these fumbled mishmashed words to a tune or chord strum would mean something to someone other than me 

i wish i lived. i watch every day go because i assume it’s guaranteed. i’m falling into this depressive winter slump and i’m angrier than ever. i hate you. i hate all of you. i hate the way you live. i’m hypocritical. i’m naive and gullible because i never grew up where i needed to be otherwise. my life is endless gray and the snow hasn’t even stayed on the ground. 

my life lacks all excitement.. except maybe pretending i’m doing something fun this weekend. i need to fly away. i can’t be here. i’m not me. i’m angry at myself that i’m still stuck in this dead-end town. the longer i’m here.. the more it’s going to destroy me until i’m decomposed. i’ve battled. i’ve tried to not let this town get to me. i’m breathing polluted air. how long can i breathe it until i’m fully poisoned?

i don’t know anymore. i don’t have words. i’m not healthy.
i am so full of hate.. i want to make myself throw up. maybe then i’d feel like everything is out of my system.