winter anger 01.

i keep my mouth shut more often than not.
it’s a combination between me not thinking people deserve my words and not knowing exactly what words fit best.
instead of speaking, i sit quietly.. observing everyone’s mangled mayhem of a life.

i wish i was a musician.. i wish i didn’t give up playing guitar.. or stop plucking away at piano keys like i did as a kid.
maybe then these fumbled mishmashed words to a tune or chord strum would mean something to someone other than me 

i wish i lived. i watch every day go because i assume it’s guaranteed. i’m falling into this depressive winter slump and i’m angrier than ever. i hate you. i hate all of you. i hate the way you live. i’m hypocritical. i’m naive and gullible because i never grew up where i needed to be otherwise. my life is endless gray and the snow hasn’t even stayed on the ground. 

my life lacks all excitement.. except maybe pretending i’m doing something fun this weekend. i need to fly away. i can’t be here. i’m not me. i’m angry at myself that i’m still stuck in this dead-end town. the longer i’m here.. the more it’s going to destroy me until i’m decomposed. i’ve battled. i’ve tried to not let this town get to me. i’m breathing polluted air. how long can i breathe it until i’m fully poisoned?

i don’t know anymore. i don’t have words. i’m not healthy.
i am so full of hate.. i want to make myself throw up. maybe then i’d feel like everything is out of my system.

the ground is covered in soft bits of white.
it’s the fluffy type where one foot print into it and you can see the dying grass underneath.
the sun is up but the sky stays such a pale blue that the entire outside looks frosted.
flurries fly by my window and i know that the second my skin feels the cold damp up against it, it will regret ever once thinking it was beautiful.
i didn’t sleep tonight, the entire world looks foggy and unfocused, yet the outside scenery glows gorgeously leaving me think that maybe this beauty is clear.
tiny snow flakes fly past my window and the sun shines perfectly making each one sparkle. 
it’s simply gorgeous
and mixed into my mind is how much i hate the winter.

i look back at myself and realize i wasn’t the person i was yesterday. my values have changed and maybe i’ve turned the complications into simplicity. nothing matters except beauty. 
if i want to be honest and i wanted you to really know me, i’d tell you listen to the ramblings of robert smith.. 
listening to a letter to elise is like falling in love over and over again.
inspiration like no other, faded frosted green, damp, cold..
like late night drives along empty sideroads, little light on the road, but my hand in your hand and i feel beautiful. or a shine of moonlight on the autumn air, a change of scenery but no feeling change.
tingling sensations through my body, and an overall feeling of happiness- i am content. 
i can see my breath in the air and my fingertips are slowly freezing to the point where everything i touch is numb. harsh, but smooth and simple. complaining about weather conditions and how the appearance of the sky is in sync with my mood, that’s real. 
you could never know me though. i haven’t lived enough to know me. 
for now, i’m simply a letter to elise played on repeat until life feels fiery warm, like magic. 

I miss making out.
Like, when you make out with someone for the first time.. or the second.. or the third. It’s all brand new. Your hands in their hair. Their scent swirling around you. Their scent that they leave on your clothes. Your ears are sensitive to each sound they make. Every inhale and exhale. The soft breath of theirs on your skin sends you into shivers. But their hands warm you to the core.
It’s the anticipation. the anticipation of not knowing if this could be taken further. maybe not even wanting to take it any further.  There could be a million things going through your head, but you’re just in this euphoric state of mind. It’s just simple. It’s innocence. It’s lips on lips and hushed breathing.
you’re creating a masterpiece of music and each kiss is a note to your song. 

everytime the wind blows, it shoots mist through my window.
it sprinkles onto my bare skin
like dust on an empty road.
each rain drop is a drip of feeling.
they coat my skin until every inch of my body is feeling something new.
the cold drops land on my skin and the wind blows further, sending my wet skin into a frenzy of shivers.
the sky lacks colour. the sun is envious of the clouds taking over the sky.
they move in a swirling motion, staring at the sky is like being in a whirlpool of emotions
i feel hollow, but somehow so full. 
something new in me blossoms. 
i feel so real. 

Meaningless words fill my head. I am a collage of where, why and how. I am in a very dark room. There is no door in nor out and I’m not sure how I ended up here. It’s as simple as that. My eyes squint and adjust to the little light in the room. There are stairs and a window. The rod-iron stairs twist and curl; spiraling into the sealed ceiling. From the fogged over street light outside, I can make out the glowing of the spider webs; wrapped around each stair in the most knotted and complicated way. The streetlight reflects onto the webs and I stare at the home of the spiders I cannot see. I resist stepping closer to get a better glimpse of the oddly beautiful webs. I think there is a tree outside, but the rain is free-falling gorgeously. I’m not sure if it’s simply the rain making the rumbling outside, or the leaves swaying in the wind. I hear a screech in the sky and illuminating light flies through the window. Rain falls hard against the window, my ears are filled with the pounding thud of angry rain drops hitting the glass. My mind tries to focus. But I squeeze my eyes shut before my mind starts playing tricks on me. There are no eery shadows outside. I am alone. The only footsteps I hear are my own. The steps I hear are in sync with my heart beating. One deep breath and I continue scanning the room. There are candles in each corner, burning away incandescently. They outline the barriers of the room and fear sets in when I realize that the walls are much closer together than they original appeared to be. In the middle of the room, atop the cold marble floor is a bouquet of month old roses, and with each rush of the wind passing through, it quivers against the dead plant, and tiny pieces of baby’s breath and rose petals flutter to the floor. They bleed against the dripping window. I can’t help but marvel at the beauty of watching the colours swirl around the floor while the thunder rages outside. It’s almost as if the sky is angry that the colours are infusing together into one. I curl up underneath the window while the electrifying lightning brilliantly kisses my skin. Cool rain drops drip down my neck getting stuck in the crease by my collarbone. I do not dare to wipe them away. My body feels peacefully in tune with nature and for once, I feel beauty in the most raw way.

i saw tears flow down my face that i hadn’t seen since the early summer.
you held my hand and wiped my tears
and i can’t explain how ugly i felt in that second.
i squeezed my eyes shut so i didn’t have to see your face.
remains of the fabrication of beauty running down my cheeks.
black stains forming under my eyes and my lips curling up in hopes of stopping.
you just watched me, and held me and told me it was okay.
i gripped your hand tightly and pulled you close.
salty sad kisses flowing out of me like butterflies flying through the sky.
i drifted away.
my eyes fell and met yours. i shifted away until i fit my body up against yours.
my back to you, so my face was hidden as you spoke to me.
you’re calm and sleepy and sent me into a whirlwind..
i could fall asleep to your voice, i know.
my body froze and tightened.
your whispered words sent flurries through my head.
i was a covered in thick layers of frost and you’re body heat was unthawing me.
with each word, i felt my ice melt more.
i’m yours.

tangled, twisted, take me past time.
i’m just a hand ticking away.
the world blows by minute by minute
fast forward and rewind to a time
when voices rang clear
and hands were meant to hold.
alive; alone in the dark.. ticking away.
i’m fog crossing past windows, dripping down
begging to get inside.
piercing through wet eyes,
swim in the mossy green,
watch the trees
shed their leaves
tangled, twisted,
blinking of eyes,
lost in ticking time.

i sat in the trees, hidden under the leaves,
i stared at the sky and the sun’s radiance cast down upon me,
for once i saw the sun as it truly was,
not as how much light was on me.
i looked into the sky, and watched birds soar by.
destined to get home.
and right then, i wish i could’ve flown with them.
the sun started to set,
and everything turned burnt orange- it sunk into my cheeks,
there was a breeze, thrown across my face was yesterday’s messy curls,
and then the world started to spin
and i kicked off my shoes
and more than anything, i just wanted to run
so i did, i ran until i was gone.
i followed the birds until i was at the ocean,
buried in waves,
tasting the salt water on my lips.
the sun eclipsing my view on reality,
i pursed my lips and squinted my eyes,
and fell, faster until i was tumbling through the tides.
through the water, the sun set further,
until it was buried in the horizon.
and in that moment, i wanted to be there with it.
so one deep breath of sunset-filled air, and i was off..
i swam until the sun was gone,
lost in the dark water,
the world was mine.
♥