winter anger 01.

i keep my mouth shut more often than not.
it’s a combination between me not thinking people deserve my words and not knowing exactly what words fit best.
instead of speaking, i sit quietly.. observing everyone’s mangled mayhem of a life.

i wish i was a musician.. i wish i didn’t give up playing guitar.. or stop plucking away at piano keys like i did as a kid.
maybe then these fumbled mishmashed words to a tune or chord strum would mean something to someone other than me 

i wish i lived. i watch every day go because i assume it’s guaranteed. i’m falling into this depressive winter slump and i’m angrier than ever. i hate you. i hate all of you. i hate the way you live. i’m hypocritical. i’m naive and gullible because i never grew up where i needed to be otherwise. my life is endless gray and the snow hasn’t even stayed on the ground. 

my life lacks all excitement.. except maybe pretending i’m doing something fun this weekend. i need to fly away. i can’t be here. i’m not me. i’m angry at myself that i’m still stuck in this dead-end town. the longer i’m here.. the more it’s going to destroy me until i’m decomposed. i’ve battled. i’ve tried to not let this town get to me. i’m breathing polluted air. how long can i breathe it until i’m fully poisoned?

i don’t know anymore. i don’t have words. i’m not healthy.
i am so full of hate.. i want to make myself throw up. maybe then i’d feel like everything is out of my system.

the ground is covered in soft bits of white.
it’s the fluffy type where one foot print into it and you can see the dying grass underneath.
the sun is up but the sky stays such a pale blue that the entire outside looks frosted.
flurries fly by my window and i know that the second my skin feels the cold damp up against it, it will regret ever once thinking it was beautiful.
i didn’t sleep tonight, the entire world looks foggy and unfocused, yet the outside scenery glows gorgeously leaving me think that maybe this beauty is clear.
tiny snow flakes fly past my window and the sun shines perfectly making each one sparkle. 
it’s simply gorgeous
and mixed into my mind is how much i hate the winter.

i saw tears flow down my face that i hadn’t seen since the early summer.
you held my hand and wiped my tears
and i can’t explain how ugly i felt in that second.
i squeezed my eyes shut so i didn’t have to see your face.
remains of the fabrication of beauty running down my cheeks.
black stains forming under my eyes and my lips curling up in hopes of stopping.
you just watched me, and held me and told me it was okay.
i gripped your hand tightly and pulled you close.
salty sad kisses flowing out of me like butterflies flying through the sky.
i drifted away.
my eyes fell and met yours. i shifted away until i fit my body up against yours.
my back to you, so my face was hidden as you spoke to me.
you’re calm and sleepy and sent me into a whirlwind..
i could fall asleep to your voice, i know.
my body froze and tightened.
your whispered words sent flurries through my head.
i was a covered in thick layers of frost and you’re body heat was unthawing me.
with each word, i felt my ice melt more.
i’m yours.